When I power up the lap top the first thing I see on Yahoo is 8 simple ways to loose weight and none of them include eating peanut butter and crackers at 5:30 am. Are these people that write this stuff even real? Surely they must just sit around and make it up. "The Weight Loss Tips I'm Not Trying". How about trying wrestling with a fox and 2 big dogs? That's gotta count for something! And what about Katie Holmes and her fashion face-off. I bet she isn't in the dirt and gravel in the wee morning hours in her pj's with her hair flying and no makeup. And on top of that, she is skinny. Where is the justice? Surely my morning workout must have consumed some calories...enough to justify a little peanut butter snack to sustain till morning coffee time? What is wrong with these people? Have they nothing else to do with their lives, get real!
It's now 5:30 am and I'm sitting in my favorite rocker eating peanut butter and crackers as if I were skinny. I'm hungry,,,,I have just wrestled two 85 pound dogs, saving them from the jaws of a tiny little fox that insisted on entering our yard at 4:30 am. Ever try putting peanut butter between two crackers and popping the entire thing into your mouth so you don't get crumbs in the key board? Quite a feat, you will chew forever because the mass in your mouth will get bigger before it gets smaller. I finally quit shaking but can't sleep...I like to go to bed late at night and sleep late in the morning....but not this morning.
I was laying in bed awake at 4:30 when I heard Shadow rip from his own slumber and tear away from the patio door outside my bedroom. And then the strangest sounds floating to my ears from a corner of the yard. It was a combination of howl, cry and bark. Oh my gosh this was going to be a good one. Something new and different was out there. Up to the door I flew in a flash, grabbed my flashlight and the leash and was out of the house into the dark night wondering what I would encounter this time. Am I insane? Yes, probably. Why didn't I awaken the man lying beside me? He was snoozing so peacefully, I just couldn't bring myself to be so cruel.
Out the door, around to the front of the house, where the hell are those dogs? I shine the flashlight around the yard and see them at the back gate. What a sight. Shadow is on his belly pawing to get under the gate and Mickey is on his back, humping him in pure excitement. I'm running toward them yelling, "hey, hey". Now I'm laughing as I write this. Why I ever even speak to those dumb dogs just amazes me. I get to the gate and see a tiny little feisty fox on the other side. What the hell is wrong with this wild animal? Does he think he is in a cage or does he think the dogs are in a cage? He has the entire country side to roam in. Why is he at my gate at 4:30 in the morning snarling and biting at my dogs. This little fox I'm thinking must have rabies and this is not a good scenario.
Shadow is totally lost in his futile effort to get to this fox. As hard as I try I cannot turn his collar to get the leash on it. He and Mickey are jumping around like a couple of banshees and I'm swinging and yelling at both of them thinking if this little fox has rabies, even a scratch could be a bad thing and he is nipping at them through the gate. Damned I wish I could get into a dogs brain at this moment. What drives them to stick their noses through to danger? Finally my swearing and hitting at Mickey with the flashlight gets his attention and he retreats. But not Shadow. My strength is ebbing, my heart is racing, my mouth is dry and I'm shaking. I've got this damned dog between my legs and his collar in my hand but can't turn it to put the leash on it. The fox is within 12 inches of my hand snarling and nipping....why don't I have my camera and what would I have done with it if I did. I've already dropped the flashlight and where the hell is my husband, can't he hear all this commotion outside his bedroom? I take a break as I look around me and up at the sky with this dog between my legs. I'm thinking, "is this going to be the big one for me? Is my heart going to give out any moment and I'm going to drop in the damned gravel driveway?" Get my breath back, slow down heart, don't give out on me now knee....I can't put my full weight on my knee now, what the hell is going on with that? "Come on" I tell myself, "find your reserve, you can do this." One more try and the leash is hooked to the collar but the dog won't budge. I try with all my strength to pull him toward the house and he is focused on the fox, "please let me get to that fox". I slowly manage to move him inch by inch away from the gate. I know if I can get him far enough away and can turn him toward the house my task will be easier. Slowly, slowly, he reluctantly gives in and we are headed toward the carport. If I can just make it to the bench in the carport and plop my rear end down I might not die tonight. Ah, at last reprieve. I am breathing hard trying to take in oxygen as I stare at this insane black dog who now wants to lick my face. Mickey has retreated to the back porch, done with it all, sighing as he relaxes. I hook the leash under the leg of the bench, give the insane one a bucket of water and go into the house.
I think I'm going to sleep. Ha! I've got to write, this is too good, but oh I wish I had gotten a video of this excitement. I wanted so badly to go back out with my camera to see if the fox was still at the gate but I knew crazy dog would drag the bench with him to follow me and probably entangle the vehicle with it, dragging it all down the driveway.
I can't sleep, the soreness is setting in to all my muscles. The skin on my palms and fingers has friction burn from holding on to the collar and leash, my hip feels out of place, I am too old for this shit. I get my lap top from the kitchen, some crackers, peanut butter and a knife and retreat to a guest room to write. It's now 6:30 am and I feel like I've been in a car wreck.
It's daylight and I'm going to use my time wisely since I'm awake at this ungodly hour. I'm taking my dogs and camera and heading out to find something good to write about.
Wow, just walked around to the front porch and found the little fox....dead. I don't know how he died but he must have just dropped over between 5 and daylight. The crazy black dog didn't get him cause he was on a leash. Did Mickey sneak around there and snap his neck without me knowing? Couldn't have cause I didn't hear a thing and the fox would have put up a fight. He must have been on his last leg at the gate at 4:30...he was giving it his all before he passed on to the great beyond and then walked through the iron slats of the gate to his final resting place. He was very thin and one eye was bulging. What happened to him?
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